Q: “I was listening to a coaching about the 5 love languages and while I’ve read that book years ago, after reading your book I now see a lot of...
Do you have expectations for how your partner shows up for you? Or what she or he does for you? This week we’ll explore how emotions released based on insecurity and expectations can ruin your day…and not just Valentine’s Day, but it’s a good time to talk about it!
On Valentine’s Day there can be a lot of highs and lows emotionally-speaking. I want to address how your emotions based on insecurity and expectations can ruin your day. Not just Valentine’s Day but it’s a good time to talk about it.
Firstly, I completely respect if you and your partner have a special tradition or interest in Valentine’s Day. But this post is for those who put so much attachment onto the day itself, that they lose themselves in the painful saturation of it all.
Romantic relationships are where most of us fall into really harmful patterns, emotionally. Have you noticed this in yourself? Even if you are a very successful person, if you are not at a strong level of Emotional Sobriety, or more specifically, if you have beliefs about yourself that were influenced by your past traumas, then it makes sense in romantic relationships you may have the most struggles. Romantic relationships may be full of expectations that your partner will be removing or masking these beliefs.
There’s an old saying, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Your expectation of what your partner should do to prove their love and your importance on this one day… and every day … is a huge barrier to the health of your relationship.
Here, the success of your loving relationship is based on your interpretation of
what your partner’s every action (or inaction) means about you.
Let that sink in. Take a moment to reflect on that since it’s so important. To allow this to be true for you is to give all of your power away.
Think about what that means your validation over your insecurities is found by your interpretation of some one else’s behavior. …
If your expectations are not met for Valentine’s Day this may bring up some preexisting self beliefs from unresolved trauma. In my book, The You You’ve Never Met, I call these Trauma-Influenced Self Beliefs.
Romantic relationships are where is we need to be the most vulnerable also it may be where you seek the most validation to rectify your innermost false beliefs about you. Examples being, the beliefs of your unworthiness or unimportance. Or your belief that you will abandoned.
On Valentine’s Day especially, you may be internally screaming “Please tell me I’m wrong about what I think about me and show me that I am important. And do it in this perfect way!” Expecting your partner to figure this out.
Expectations on Valentine’s Day may look like getting a special gift, the ring, an expensive experience, a box of chocolates, flowers etc.
If you get these things you may interpret that as to mean you are loved! And you will feel a temporary easing of your personal pain.
It is like a dose of drugs — a drag on a cigarette, a cup of coffee, all of these exogenous compounds make you feel high or change your state temporarily, giving you the sensation of feeling better.
The same way your internal, emotional or endogenous chemistry effected you prior. Pretty soon that high will wear off and the next hit will need to be obtained somewhere else of later on.
So now, what if you don’t get the special gift, or the card or the impressive dinner?
What if you don’t get what you expected?
You will feel the afflictive emotions of fear, anger, resentment, sadness or embarrassment.
You are now under the influence of your emotions your internal or endogenous chemistry. The swirling tsunami of pain. You may even feel like you are drowning. When drowning, you don’t behave calmly, think within sanity or trust anything around you. And the Behaviors that follow a “proven“ Trauma-Influenced Self Belief, or unfulfilled expectation of an emotionally unsober person are never levelheaded, peaceful or kind. In fact,
the Emotionally Triggered Behaviors that follow, will harm the person you love and cause more suffering for both of you.
You may roll your eyes, become aggressive (or passive aggressive which is more common), you may fight with them, and lay on even more expectations of your partner to not only figure out what you are feeling, but to understand your pain and to remedy it, all at the same time.
I don’t think This is what special occasions need to be.
Partnership, especially in romance, cannot be between two people who are trying to fill each other up. Or one trying to take away another’s pain. Partners are additions to your life. They are wonderful, extraordinary and massively valuable additions, but they are not there to change your mind about your insecurities. Although they can serve to be most helpful, it’s not their job to remedy.
If Trauma-Influenced Self Beliefs and expectations can run your Valentine’s Day, they will run your life, if you don’t eradicate them from your existence.
This is why it’s so important every day to look thoroughly at yourself —-how you’re feeling what you’re thinking and most importantly your motive for everything that you’re doing (your actions and behaviors you are demonstrating.)
So. this Valentine’s Day, we are changing the focus! One day doesn’t prove love, the quality of your lives together will. It doesn’t happen on one day, in one gift or with one demonstration.
Your love is the perfect experience. Give it outward without expectation. And if you feel slighted at the end of the day consider where you had an expectation and why.
This is Dr. Andrea Vitz
Your emotional sobriety educator- And don’t forget to subscribe to this channel and follow us on social media Instagram and Facebook @levelheadeddoc
Have a great day and remember that you are not alone. Always here for you.